Recently, I found myself going through a small bout of depression. I'm not sure what brought it on, but it lasted for about 2 weeks. I found myself wondering what in the world I am here on this earth for. I mean, if I have to live struggling all my life, what's the sense? I didn't know if I was supposed to be where I am at, or should I have done something differently with my life, and just screwed myself up? I wasn't sure.
You see, five years ago, I moved away from the state where I grew up. Since I left, nothing's gone right in my life. I've lost everything I have owned twice in the last 2 years. It's very depressing starting over and over time and time again. Especially when you're in your 40's. I had had everything I ever needed, after years of toiling, and lost it to my jerky, soon-to-be ex husband. Of course, it was nothing I wanted to do...it was a choice I had to make. A hard choice at that.
When I left West Virginia 2 years ago at the end of this month, I left everything behind. With me, I hopped a bus bound only with 2 large duffle bags of clothes and a smaller carry-on bag. I was Greyhound bound to Arizona. I remember seeing the border sign of West Viriginia and bid that state, where I had so many bad memories farwell. That was July 31, 2203. I arrived here in Arizona, knowing that I was putting myself in a homeless shelter. But, you know, I wasn't upset about that. Jack, my ex, had been abusive, and I was just happy I was free from that abuse. I came to Phoenix on Aug. 2, 2003. This is my home now.
But, it seems like I've just been struggling to get ahead. I met my future husband out here in that shelter. We've had it rough. You know, the worst part is, I'm a Christian woman. When I met Tommy, I fell in love with him quickly. He knew I was still married, and knew that I'd run away from WV because of the abuse. Never did I lie to him about my marital status. I don't believe in lying. I mean, if he couldn't handle the truth, then there was nothing between us, right? Of course. Three months after I arrived, I'd gotten a job, and Tommy and I moved out of the shelter together.
We've been through some really rough periods. Last Sept, I wasn't sure what I wanted. We'd become homeless again after listening to one of his 'friends', who got us to move an hour and a half drive away from where we'd started making our home, only for this guy and his wife to kick us out flat on our butt. We then lived in a shabby 2 room apt for 3 months. I had felt, at the time, that my life was on a downhill spiral into nowhere. I didn't know what to do, and that's when my only option was to separate from Tommy. I felt like I was going to go out of my mind. So, I put myself into an abused women's shelter.
I got my head straightened out. I spent 3 months there. I didn't like the little town I was living in way up in the central part of Arizona. Oh, it was much cooler up there than here, but during the late fall months, it was too cold for me. I longed to be back down in the Phoenix area. I didn't know why, actually I longed for that, but as the days passed, my longing to return to where I had felt my home was grew stronger. I was able to obtain enough money for a bus ride back down. The only thing was, I had to wait until another shelter had a bed open for me. I called for 2 weeks straight, and all the beds in all the shelters were full. Finally, one Friday morning, I got lucky, and a bed was open. I had them reserve it for me, and I hopped the Greyhound back. It was kinda like dejavu.
I'd honestly thought that Tommy had left the state by then. I had heard that he'd left back to Michigan. When I arrived back down here, I walked by our old apartment on day. I stood across the street from where we'd shared our life, and just stood there looking at the windows of what had been our apartment, remembering him vividly. That's when I knew I'd made a mistake by leaving him in the first place. My heart was heavy because I wasn't sure if I would see him. During the first few months down here, I threw myself into working, and working at clearing the cobwebs out of my brain. But, everywhere I went, it reminded me of him. Ironically, I got my old job back at the place where I'd gotten my first job here in AZ, at DialAmerica. I used to go by the first apartment complex, that Tommy and I had moved in together, every morning. More reminders of him, which deepened my longing.
Then I moved out of that shelter into my own apartment. It was strange, because it was closer to where Tommy had actually been living, without me really realizing it. I had an offer by a supposed friend to move in with him. I would take his bedroom, and he slept on the couch. I moved in with him only because it was walking distance from where I worked, and I no longer had to get up at 4 am in the morning, which was a blessing. He was a weird one. No wonder why the woman who'd been his roommate, before, had left at Christmastime, and just never went back. She, too, left clothes, and belongings, but I could see why, after 3 weeks of living with that man, why she'd left so abruptly. He was just plain strange...a jerk no less.
I took a chance and began emailing Tommy. He'd emailed months before, but I hadn't gotten his emails, and he'd been asking me to come back to him. The emails touched my heart, because then I knew for certain that he had really cared about me. In one, he'd given me his phone number, but when I started calling that once I got my own phone, the line had been temporarily disconnected, and then it was just gone. I felt like I'd lost him totally. Although, I emailed him again some time later, and he emailed me back. To show you just how much I think that Tommy and I are soul mates, I walked all the way to the library on one of my Sunday's off, and felt like I needed to check my email that day. Low and behold, Tommy had written that day, that morning, as a matter of fact. He gave me a phone number where I could reach him at, and immediately I logged off the computer and went to the phone booth outside. With trembling hands, I dialed his number and heard his voice on the other end after 6 long months.
I made the two hour city bus trip from where I was at to where he was living at, and that day, which was Feb. 13, I found my soul-mate again. I remember the feeling inside when I saw him walking down the street to toward me, how it felt to be back in his arms after all those months. We've been back together ever since. Now, I know that Tommy struggles with the moral issue of us living together. See, he, too, is Christian, and knows that in the Bible, it says a man and woman shouldn't be living and sleeping together unless they are married. What makes our situation even worse is the fact that Jack is prolonging the divorce, on purpose, I believe. I've been asking him and asking him to grant me the divorce. I mean, it's the right thing to do. I paid for the wedding, pretty much on my own....since he was living with Mommy and couldn't afford to pitch in....so now, he can get the divorce, don't you think that's fair enough?
I think he's just plain jealous because he knows how deeply in love iwth Tommy I am, and it bothers him greatly that he regrets what he'd done to ruin our marriage. He's expressed that he wishes that it hadn't ended like that, but well, he caused it, and now he's got to live with that. Being a customer service rep, I am required, by my company, to say my entire name, and do you know what it's like to cringe everytime you say your last name because you dislike it and everything it's assosiated with? I can't stand my last name, but it's just too much to go through with changing things when I know I'll only have to do it all over again.
My love for Tommy has deepened this time around. I do realize that Tommy loves me for me. See, Jack was basically in the marriage because he could get sex any time he wanted it. That man complained because he wasn't getting it 'enough'...but he was getting it every other day! And he complained! But, that's what our marriage was based on...sex. To me, that's NOT what a relationship/marriage is based on. It's supposed to be based on mutual love, mutual respect and mutual interests and communication.
Anyway, during the time, recently when I was depressed, I didn't know any longer if Tommy was attracted to me or what. We'd virutally stopped having an intimate relationship, and no longer slept in the same room. I didn't understand it. I began praying heavily, asking God why was I here? Why did I even exist if this life of financial struggle and ruin was to be my life, and what about Tommy? Did he love me or what? I guess in all that time, God had been speaking to Tommy also. I'd also begun to question if he'd lost faith because he never talked about God anymore as he'd done before. That baffled me.
One night, not too long ago, Tommy and I were talking and he said something that only God had knew was on my heart. I knew then that he and I were destined to be soul-mates, and our relationship was right. Tommy and I both agreed that it had been wrong of us to begin our intimate relationship so soon after meeting, and then living together with me being married. What he said made me quite proud to be in love with this man. No man, in my entire life, has ever wanted to be with me, and love me for just who I am. But, you know what? Tommy is that man. He said that until we are married, we will just live together without sleeping together, or anything intimate. We haven't stopped touching, hugging or kissing. Celibacy, when you're living with the person you love dearly is difficult, but now that I see the benefits of doing the right thing, it makes it easier until we are married.
You see, things have gotten much better for us since we stopped doing the wrong thing. Tommy's so sexy, it drives me crazy not doing anything, but I love him deeply and that love just continues to grow every day. I told Tommy that I will take his name with pride when we become married. When I just look at him, I feel the love in my heart swell for him. I sometimes find myself crying when I think about those months that I almost lost the only man who loves me. I've never experienced real love, and I think that, in itself scared me.
You know that song, "Looking for Love" The one where it goes, "Looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love and too many faces...." That was my life. I always looked for love, looked for it in all the wrong places, and all the wrong ways. And, found my sweetheart in a homeless shelter of all places. I am really happy that I left WV to come here, and look forward to wearing my wedding band that will bond my life with Tommy's.
When Tommy and I met, we found out that we both shared a dream to open a homeless shelter. I mean, before I even left WV, that thought had crept into my imagination. I had a vivid image of me running a shelter. Of course, at the time, I didn't understand why I even though of that, but now I understand that it was God who'd put that image into my mind. It's been in the planning now for a year and a half. We've been running into walls trying to get it going, not able to find the funding that we need to get a house, to get vehicles, to get the necessities we need to open it.
See, what we want to do is to open a Christian Discipleship Ministry homeless shelter. Our shelter will be run with the notion that we want to end homelessness by helping people learn how to living meaningful, and productive lives. We're stuck in limbo right now, and hope that soon, God will open the door to getting this shelter up and running.